The true story of Earthbound
by PKBeam
Summary: Do you want to know what REALLY happened in Earthbound? How those kids REALLY defeated Giygas? Join Ness and co. on an adventure as they try to gather all 8 melodies and stop Giygas from ruining the world and also, ruining Ness' birthday. There'll be a few changes, some might bewilder you!
1. The first step is the hardest

What REALLY happened in Earthbound

Disclaimer: I don't own Earthbound, any of the characters or the PSI Attacks or anything. (Yay, my first fanfic.)

It is the year 199X…

The teacher handed out the report cards for class 7R. Ness glanced at his sheet. It wasn't a good report. Ness sighed. He usually got average or bad grades. Yes, he did get A's sometimes, but that didn't stop his mom from making him attend summer school. It was the last day of school, so at 3:15pm he walked to the burger store and got himself some food.

"What the…" was all he said when he saw the poster saying: Steak Combo – Only until XX/XX/199X, 3:30pm. Ness LOVED steak. It was his life. He quickly realized that XX/XX/199X was today, and it was 3:25pm! He rushed into the burger shop, quicker than a flash, "accidentally" knocking over the queue and stopping at the front. "Er…" the employee said. "I want a steak combo!" Ness yelled. "That'll be…thirty-five dollars, sir." "Oh, DAMN!" Ness yelled, realizing he only had a twenty. Several people heard him, however and that earned him several disapproving glares. Then he remembered something in his pocket. "Will this coupon halve the price?" he asked. "Yes, so… $17.50 then," the man said. Ness paid, took the change and gobbled up the steak-burger in six bites. He then ate the chips, drank the juice, all very, very quickly and walked back home.

His mom fed him steak for dinner and even though Ness already ate, he simply couldn't resist the alluring smell. He ate it… and started choking. He threw up, some of it going on Tracey, his little sister. "#^$%^# %*," she swore, using one of the largest words in her vocabulary as the puke splatted on her and also, on King, Ness' dog. Tracey went to wash herself off in the bathroom but King just licked the mess off of him. Mum came into the room, after looking at her kids' report cards. She glared at Ness and he knew that he was going to summer school, again. Mum put everyone to bed (after an outburst at Ness for the puke).

It was 4:00am. A rather loud bang had woken Ness up. It was the sound of Pokey bashing his door. Earlier, at 3, Ness had gone up the hill to look at a meteorite that had landed on the hilltop. The police's roadblocks got in his way, though but he did find a bread roll someone left outside. So he went home and back to sleep.

The door gave way just as Ness went into the living room. Bang. He scowled at Pokey. "HelphelpPicky''twannabegrounded!" he yelled. (Translation: "Help, help! Picky's lost and my parents are coming home! I don't wanna be grounded!") "No, I won't help you, you #% ^." Ness said. "If you don't help, I'll say something that'll cut you like a knife!" Pokey threatened. "If you don't get out, I WILL cut you, WITH a knife," Ness replied. (His mum was still asleep.)

5 minutes later… "Why did I agree to this?" thought Ness, as he headed up to Tracey's room to get his bat. When he opened her door, she glared at him, violently. Ness quickly took his bat (and a Cookie) and ran out the empty space where the door used to be with Pokey. For no apparent reason, King came along with them.

Ness had just finished eating the aforementioned bread roll when Pokey spotted what was apparently a sausage behind a bush. He picked it up. The "sausage" promptly split apart and fell on the ground, leaving on Pokey's hand, a bad smell. A runaway dog came out of the aforesaid bush. Pokey fainted. It took both Ness AND King to drag the fat boy up the hill, where they found Picky sleeping. When Pokey woke up, they left the hill but they heard a buzzing sound. Guess what? A bee appeared.

"Oh god, a BEE!" yelled Picky, who was allergic to stings. "Watch who you're calling a bee!" the "bee" said, before turning to address Ness. "You are the chosen one Ness, so listen carefully. A decade from now, Giygas, the Universal Cosmic Destroyer, will destroy Earth. You and three others are the only ones who can stop Giygas. Got it?" "Yes…" Ness said, confused. Down the hill Lier X. Aggerate told Ness to see him later, alone but Ness just told him to rack off. Ness didn't like the man and he knew the liar would tell him about the greed-inducing statue, for the fifth time.

"By the way Picky, how DID you get past the roadblocks?" asked Ness. "The police took 'em down," replied Picky. "Oh." Suddenly, POOF! A Starman Jr. appeared. Apparently he was here to kill Buzz-Buzz. "I will kill you, Buzz-Buzz!" he said. "PK Fire!" "PSI SHIELD!" yelled (or buzzed?) Buzz-Buzz. The shield dissolved PK Fire. During the battle, Buzz-Buzz quickly gave Ness an explanation about PSI and how Ness already had Lifeup since he was 7. Ness then used it to heal Buzz-Buzz, who had taken a lot of damage from during the fight. The Starman Jr. was soon defeated, and Ness and co. went to Pokey's house, where Pokey and Picky got a BIG spanking from their parents.

*gasp* "IS THAT A BEE? I'll SMASH YOUR GUTS TO THE MOON!" yelled Pokey's mom, Lardna Minch, who had spotted Buzz-Buzz. "ROOOAR!" She took a massive swing at Buzz-Buzz, who dodged. Mrs. Minch smashed into the wall, breaking several bones. Buzz-Buzz however, was smashed into the wall by the sheer power of... wind. As he lay there, he said: "Ness...eight sanctuaries...visit them... make them yours...record sanctuary melodies with... Sound Stone... first sanctuary... in Onett... Giant Step... I give stone to you. You're... you're... holding... too much... crap... I give... to your... sister.

"Oh no!" said Ness, remembering his sister wasn't too happy with him.

End of chapter...


	2. But the Giant Step comes after the first

Chapter 2: Giant Step

DISCLAIMER: I-Don't-Own-Earthbound. Thank you.

"Ohhh," moaned Ness. He felt (and looked) like he was drunk. If you looked at his face, you'd know. Actually, it was 5 am and he hadn't slept since 3:15 am. He went to bed at 10 pm, you do the math. As he entered his house, a weird little man floated down from the sky.

"Say FUZZY PICKLES!" he yelled, snapping a picture of Ness just as the boy turned to face him, with that drunkenly expression on his face. The little man took the picture and decided to stow it away for safekeeping.

The picture of Ness fell on the grass, unnoticed (for now). Ness' mom came into the room and Ness (as quickly as he could) explained to his mom and Tracey (who wandered in) about the events that took place last night. Ness' mom said that he could skip summer school and ordered Tracey to give Ness the stone. Tracey was OK with it, and threw it at Ness' feet (she didn't want to touch his hands). Ness picked it up and set off for Onett. His mom chose that time to notice something on the grass; the picture of Ness. She saw the VERY misleading expression on Ness' face and yelled, "NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESS!"

When he got to Onett, Ness went into the library and took out a Town Map. He went to the check-out desk. "Oh, you can borrow that," said the librarian.

"OK then," said Ness. "What about this one?" He thrust a copy of "The Earthbound Player Guide" onto the desk.

"That one…OK!"

"What about this?"

"Overcoming…Shyness? Yep."

So Ness took out all the books and went to the Hotel. But before that…

"Ooh, a golden garbage can! Ahhh! What's he doing here?" Ness yelled, in surprise.

The little man from before came down from the sky and said: "Welcome! This is a mini-game I just made up for fun. I have In this game you have to find as many useful items in the trash can as possible within… 30 seconds!"

"Huh? Oh! Okay then."

"3…2…1…GO!" Ness dived into the can and started searching.

"25 seconds... 15 seconds…10 seconds... 5…4…three-two-one-3 quarters-one half-one quarter-ZERO!"

Ness laid out his items: A hamburger, a copper bracelet and a pack of 2 minute lifenoodles.

"Nice! I'm going to the hotel now."

As Ness went into the hotel, the phone was ringing. He picked it up.

"Hello, is that you, Ness?"

"Dad?"

"Your mom was ticked. I called to tell you that I'll be writing your adventure down on paper so you'll have something to hand in at school. BTW, I deposited $80 into your account."

"Okay. Bye."

He hung up, paid $99.99 for a stay and slept.

"Hello-ello-ellooo. I am a friend who you've never met before-efore-efore-ore-ore. Come to Twoson…"

A voice in Ness' head was speaking to him. Then he woke up.

"If I've never met you, how are you my friend?" he muttered.

The weird message lingered in his head all day. Ness went to the drug store to buy some stuff. He bought some asthma medication (yes, he has asthma now!) and a brand new bat for $49.50 and decided to go to the arcade. It was a bad choice, however, as the Sharks (the local gang) were having a meeting and they all attacked Ness.

"PK ROCKIN'!" yelled Ness.

The Sharks piled on the floor. Ness had learned PSI Rockin' while he was resting in the hotel and couldn't wait to try it out. Frank, the leader of the Sharks came in the room.

"Who are y-AH!"

BAM! Ness took a swing at Frank and JUST missed him, his bat smashing violently into a nearby arcade game and causing it to spill coins. Frank saw the game and his jaw dropped. He started to speak up.

"Whoa… nice hit… tell you what, we'll stop causing trouble if you stop trying to murder me." he said. Ness agreed.

Ness went to the Giant Step cave AFTER he scooped up the coins from the machine he bashed up. The door leading to the cave was locked. He went to see Mayor Pirkle to get a key. After a long conversation, the mayor said:

"If I give you this key, will you agree to take full responsibility and vote for me in the next election?"

Ness rolled his eyes. "Yes."

So he got the key. He went to open the shack and one of the tourists thanked him with a strange charm. Ness didn't know what it was, but he put it on. He felt a little more focused after that. He figured that was what it was for. He went into the cave and was immediately attacked by rowdy mice. He shook them off and climbed a nearby rope, swearing to himself because he got rope burn. He went outside and a butterfly revitalized him. He got out an empty drink can and put the butterfly in it for later use (:D).

Ness walked into a cave and was confronted by Titanic Ant. Ness shot off a PSI Rockin' and managed to blast off three legs on one side. Titanic Ant used a PSI Magnet to drain all of Ness' PSI. It followed up with a Defense Up but Ness took out his bat and bashed the overgrown ant repeatedly. It was soon defeated and Ness ran into (the) Giant Step. He held up the Sound Stone and absorbed the melody. He went to exit by jumping off the cliff. A policeman saw him and yelled,

"Oy, you! Come with me to the police station , I want a word with you!"

Ness unwillingly followed. At the police station, he was lectured about what he did. The policeman was very slow in talking.

"So you want to go to Twoson? Well, if you can beat five officers up, we'll remove the roadblocks."

Ness didn't know there were roadblocks, so he agreed. He pwned all the officers with PSI. The roadblocks were removed, so he went to Twoson.


	3. Lilliput Steps come shortly after those

Chapter 3 – Twoson

DISCLAIMER: I wish I did, but I don't own Earthbound. If I did, I would be rich and not writing this.

"Twoson is a nice town," Ness thought, as he entered the Twoson pizza parlour. As he went to order a pizza, he saw on a poster: "Limited time only! Get a steak-pizza for $18.99! Ness ran to the counter, but this time, he DIDN'T knock over the queue, mostly because there wasn't one.

"Hello sir, wh-"

"I want two Steak-pizzas, with extra cheese!"

"…What type of cheese would you like?"

"Uhhh…I think, PSI Cheese." (PSI Cheese tastes bad if a non-PSI user eats it but if a PSI user eats it, they recover PSI)

"You do know PSI Cheese tastes so bad the only reason we sell it is that we get it very cheap?"

"I don't care!"

"OK…"

Ness took the pizzas, paid, and put one in his bag for the "friend who he's never met before" and decided to scour around the town or clues. He eventually stopped at Apple Kid's house and went in.

"I'm Apple Kid. Hi. Could you spare some food?" said the boy. Ness gave him some pizza.

"Ugh. The cheese is bad, but the pepperoni is good. I wonder, would you… invest money in my inventions? I'm sure it'll help you…"

"How much…?" Ness asked cautiously.

"Urm…$200..."

"Oh. Ok, here you go." Ness' dad had given him a lot of money; $1,437.65 to be exact.

"Thanks. Here's something I prepared earlier." Apple Kid gave Ness a machine.

"What's this?" asked Ness

"An eraser eraser eraser."

"Whaaaaa…?"

"It erases eraser erasers. You probably already know, but Eraser erasers erase erasers."

"Ohh…"

Ness came to Burglin Park, where he was attacked by Everdred, a thief. Ness beat up Everdred and he (Everdred) said:

"Whoa, I was testing you! I heard you were looking for Paula. If you find her, see me. Bye."

With that, Ness went to Polestar Preschool to search for clues.

"Who are you and what do you want with my daughter?" asked a man.

"What?" replied Ness.

"My daughter. Special psychic powers? Ring a bell?"

"Um…"

Ness told the man about the mysterious, feminine voice that had contacted him and explained everything Buzz-Buzz told him about Giygas.

"Okay. I'm the father of Paula. She's the only one who has psychic powers around here." said Paula's father. "She went off to the Peaceful Rest Valley near here."

"I'll search for her."

Ness ran to the valley mentioned but he got into a fight with a Lil' UFO.

The UFO tried a PK Beam. (The one hit KO one (gamma), and yes, PK Beam isn't in Earthbound 1 so deal with it.) Ness was hit but… that strange charm he got at Giant Step reflected the attack and destroyed the UFO. But his path was blocked by a huge eraser eraser. Ness erased the enormous eraser eraser that erases erasers with the eraser eraser eraser that erases eraser erasers that erase erasers. Say that 3 times, very quickly.

He finally reached Happy Happy village, where Paula was being held. Ness ran into the drug store and bought a bat and also, a ribbon and a frying pan for Paula. He didn't know why, but he liked her. Ness sensed that Paula was in a shack so he went to the nearby cave. On the way, he was confronted by 2 happy-happyists.

"You shall not pass, unhappyist!" said Happy-Happyist 1.

"Unhappyist?" asked Ness.

"A non-happy-happyist." replied Happy-Happyist 2.

"So we're gonna beat you up!" said H-H1. HH 2 nodded agreement.

"Umm…umm…"said Ness, who was a little scared."Uhhh…PK ROCKIN'!" The H-Hists were beaten up. Ness ran to the end of the cave and into a cabin.

"Ness!" yelled Paula.

"Paula! I'm here to rescue you, there's this person called Giy-"

"I already know everything." Paula interrupted. "Buzz-Buzz told me."

"He did?"

"Yeah. Mr Carpainter is the cause of the Happy-Happyists. He can control lightning. Take this Franklin Badge. It reflects thunder…what the… your bag is full of #%$ ! Do you wanna get fried!"

"Couldn't you come with me?" asked Ness.

"Hello! I'm behind bars! That Carpainter has the only key!"

"Screw that! PK ROCKIN'!" Paula's cell was heavily damaged.

"Oh…I see… PK Fire! PK Fire! PK Freeze!"

The ice froze the hot, dented bars and Ness finished it off with PK Rockin' just as Paula tried a very strong PK Thunder beta (The 3rd strongest type of PK Thunder). The thunder struck Ness, who unintentionally reflected it with the PK Rockin'(the one intended to blast the iron bars to pieces, which it did), which Paula reflected with the franklin badge onto the debris, so the thunder was conducted along the wreckage of the metal bars, which hit the person touching the metal bars, who was…wait for it… wait for it…Pokey!

"Owww! Well, hello Ness. I'm now a happy member of the Happy Happy religion," said Pokey. "I see you freed the… prisoner. Well, let's see how you deal with this! Attack, troops!"

"Oh, that's easy," said Paula. "PK Freeze!" the "troops" were frozen solid. "Now let's go beat up Carpainter."

"Wait. I brought you a steak-pizza and a ribbon."

"Steak-pizza? Oh, PSI Cheese! I love that! But the pizza's cold… PK Fire!"

They ate the pizza and Ness handed Paula the ribbon and frying pan. After they ate they went to Carpainter's house.

"Ness, you still need to have the Franklin Badge. Give me some of your stuff."

"I threw away that shyness pamphlet. So you can give it to me now."

When they finally confronted Carpainter (after all the H-Hists) he tried to shoot a PK Thunder at Paula. Ness jumped in the way and reflected it. Paula used a PK Freeze and Ness smashed him with a bat. Carpainter fainted. Paula saw something behind him.

"The Mani Mani statue!"

"You mean that thing Lier X. Aggerate had? It corrupted him, I guess."

Carpainter woke up and apologized for the trouble he caused. Happy Happy Village had changed back to normal. Ness and Paula went back to Polestar Preschool, where Paula explained to her dad that she and Ness needed to go off on an adventure. Her dad reluctantly agreed.

Before the duo set off for Threed, which Paula said was where they needed to go next, they decided to see Everdred, who gave them $10,000! They also decided to go and see the popular band, Runaway Five. In the theatre, one of the members commented that Paula was pretty and he gave Ness a backstage pass. Paula suddenly asked, "Do you owe someone money?

"Why, yes we do! We got conned by the theatre owner." he replied.

"Take our $10,000!" said Ness suddenly.

"Woah, THANKS!"

So the Runaway Five had one last show. After that they agreed to take Ness and Paula to Threed, since the cave is infested with ghosts and also since they wanted to go to Fourside, which was on the way to Threed.

What happens when they come to Threed? Find out next time…


	4. Escaping school and killing zombies too

Chapter 4 – Threed

"Woah. Talk about ghost town," said Paula, as they entered Threed.

"You sure this is Threed?" asked Ness.

"Yeah. Gloomy, huh? I'm sure you two can lighten up this place with your own brand of sunshine," replied one of the Runaway Five.

The Runaway 5 dropped off Ness and Paula at the drug store. The two children walked into the drugstore to buy some things. But before that…

"ZOMBIE!"

"Run for your brains!"

"Ahhhhhh!"

"Zombie?" said Ness and Paula.

Right on cue, 3 zombies came after them.

"EEEEEK!" screeched Paula. "PK FREEZE! PK FREEZE! PK FREEEEZE!"

The zombies were frozen, as well as 12 of the nearby trees.

"I think you overdid it…" said Ness, slowly. "We might as well go to the store."

In the drugstore, Ness called his mum on the phone.

"Hello? Ness? With that picture…DID YOU GET-"

"No," said Ness, firmly. He didn't want Paula to hear about that.

"Okay then, I believe you… oh, and Tracey wants to talk to you."

Ness gulped.

"Hellooo? Big bro? I've decided to put your spewing (Ness quickly moved away so Paula wouldn't hear) behind us so I got a job at the Escargo Express. Want us to store an item?"

"Oh, yeah!" said Ness, grateful that Tracey had cooled down.

"Okay, we'll send someone over."

Ness hung up and called his dad.

"Dad, could you write everything down?"

"Okay, son… alright, finished!"

"Thanks!"

An Escargo Express worker rushed over.

"Hello sir, I'm here to pick up your items. The cost is $2/kg/month for 12 months. After a year, the cost is $3/kg and we add one dollar to the cost after every year,"

"Okay…can you store…this… and this, that, also this… and that!"

"Yes, sir." The worker ran out to the van outside to weigh the items.

"Using our scales, the total mass is 6.54kg (Paula looked at Ness awkwardly). The cost is $13.10 per month."

"Ummm… This stuff is useless, so… one year."

"Okay, sir. The cost is $157.20." Ness paid up. "Thanks." He left.

"How can he do those calculations so fast?" wondered Paula.

Ness and Paula went to the counter.

"$240 for a bat? Oh well, I have the money…"

"Oooooh! A Frying Pan for $80!"

They got the items and left.

Paula wanted to go to the hotel, so they did. When they got to the hotel, there was a strange woman blocking the door.

"Hee-hee," she giggled. "You look nice…want to come inside with me?"

"Urrmmm...," said Ness.

"…..," Paula was speechless.

"NOW!" yelled the girl.

They (reluctantly) followed the girl into a hotel room where the girl closed the door. Suddenly…

Zombies were coming at them! Zombie dogs, zombie cats, regular zombies, zombie books, mirrors and… a zombie wig...? Ness and Paula were quickly KO'd.

They woke up in a room. Ness tried blasting the door open, but it was PSI-proof.

"You couldn't have tried opening it normally?" asked Paula. She tried to open the door normally…it failed.

"Hellooooo, it's a jail cell. I think it would've been locked," Ness shot back.

Paula sighed and began to use telepathy.

"Whatcha doing?"

"Contacting our next friend, who will help us."

"Ohhh…"

Paula sent a telepathic message to Jeff (their next friend) in the Winters Boarding School.

"Hello… I am a friend whom you've never met before… I am here with someone else, Ness, and we are trying to contact you… If you get this message, head south… south to Threed…and rescue us…you will save the world…so hurry…"

Jeff awoke with a start.

"How can you be my friend if I've never met you before?" he wondered.

He glanced over at the other bed. Tony, his roommate and best friend, was asleep. He sighed. He might as well leave now. He got up and JUST as he reached for the doorknob, Tony woke up.

"Where are you going? You'll get in BIG trouble if you leave!"

Jeff explained.

"Ah," he said. "But my birthday was tomorrow," he added quietly.

Jeff ignored him and went out the door. Outside, he walked into the other room and took some of Tony's birthday cookies. No-one noticed him.

He went out and into the locker room, where he bashed up the locker doors, taking some goodies inside i.e. a Toy Gun, a Yogurt, a bottle of water and a mouldy old cheese sandwich… Jeff threw that away.

"Hey, HEY! Jeff, what the $#% are you doing?" someone yelled.

Jeff turned around. It was Maxwell, one of the teachers. Jeff raised an eyebrow.

"Teachers aren't supposed to swear…"

"Students aren't supposed to be bashing lockers up."

"They do when they need to save the world."

"Well…wait, back up. Save the world?"

Jeff sighed. He explained everything.

"Oh."

Jeff ran out the door before Maxwell could say anything. He went to exit the school except, there was a giant gate blocking the way. He ignored it and climbed over the wall. There was a nearby drugstore and Jeff walked in. There was a woman in front and she came to speak to him.

"Hello. Jeff Andonuts?"

"Yes," he replied.

"I have your package here and also, you receive a free monkey with your order of bubblegum."

"Score!" Jeff yelled.

The lady exited the store, leaving Jeff with the monkey. Jeff got out some stuff in his bag and inserted it into the bubblegum. The monkey screeched in protest. It seemed to be saying: _Oy! Leave some for me!_ Jeff looked at him (the monkey) awkwardly and gave the monkey some gum. The monkey chewed some, blew a bubble, and floated in the air. He looked curiously at Jeff's modified bubblegum.

"It's bomblegum." said Jeff. "Made from baking soda and vinegar."

Jeff went outside and threw the bomblegum and it blew up a tree. Jeff decided to head south. He encountered the Tessie Watching Club. The chef offered him a bed and some food. Jeff accepted and in his tent, he made more bomblegum (the chef gave him some baking soda and vinegar). As he rested for the night, Jeff repaired some items. He suddenly had an idea to improve the bomblegum.

End of chapter.

Find out what Jeff's idea was in the next chapter…


	5. Ten years of isolation

Chapter 5

A.N. I would like to thank anyone reading this (67 views, ). If you don't like this story somehow, post what you don't like in the review or something. Disclaimer: I don't own Earthbound. The personalities of the characters are purely fictional. Any resemblances to any people, living or dead are coincidental. All the items/weapons in this story were not stolen from anything or anyone. Again, any resemblances are purely coincidental.

Jeff searched in his pack and found a soft drink and a mint. He put both in the bomblegum and threw it at a nearby gruff goat. The goat swallowed it and threw up. Jeff quickly blasted it with his toy gun and the goat was knocked into the water.

"I think I'll call this boomblegum," he said.

Jeff stared at a nearby tree branch. It was curved. Jeff remembered that book he was reading: "A History of Longbows". He wondered if a longbow would be better than a toy gun. He decided yes.

Jeff got a pocket knife and cut two notches in the branch, one on either side. He got some string and tied it to the notches tightly. He then took a stick and fired it with his newly acquired longbow (we'll say bow for short). He accidentally shot a crow that fell in the water, too. Jeff smiled.

"If I can turn these sticks into real arrows, it'll be WAY better than a toy gun," he thought. So Jeff sharpened some sticks, put (crow) feathers on them and the arrows were done. A wind started blowing. Yells could be heard coming from the camp.

"It's MESSIE!"

"OH MY MESSIE!"

"WE'LL BE RICH!"

Jeff ran over and stared. The monkey had blown a piece of gum and it somehow attracted Messie. Jeff gasped. The bubblegum bubble was really a boomblegum bubble! Jeff ran towards the monkey.

"Nooooooo!" he yelled, grabbing the monkey's legs just as the boomblegum bubble exploded, blowing them both onto Messie's head.

Messie shrieked in terror and flicked her head southward, catapulting Jeff and the monkey onto the ground. Jeff passed out.

He woke up 2 hours later in front of a cave. A nearby sign said: Brick Road Dungeon. He decided to explore it. The dungeon consisted of lots of gooey, moving things that Jeff shot with his bow. There was a map of the cave on the wall. He took it. Looking at the map, Jeff realized the "dungeon" was a giant maze. He ripped the map off the wall and walked into the dungeon/maze.

At the end of the dungeon Jeff was confronted by a giant gooey thing that had been made by combining lots of gooey, moving things. Jeff suddenly had an idea. He (carefully) stuck a piece of boomblegum on an arrow and shot it at the gooey thing. The goo exploded. A man walked up to Jeff at the end of the cave. "Hello. I am Brick Road, the man who made this dungeon," he said. "You did well surviving this." He walked off.

Jeff stared at him. Then the monkey screeched and Jeff returned to his senses. He went into a cave and after a LOOOONG hike, he exited.

"AHHHHHH!" was the first thing he said. A grizzly bear was attacking him. Jeff shot it.

Meanwhile, Jeff's monkey spotted a female monkey. They went off somewhere. Jeff spotted a lab. He was curious so he knocked on the door.

"Come in," he heard. Jeff went inside.

He saw a man.

"I'm Dr. Andonuts," said the man.

"I'm Jeff Andonuts – waiiit… that means… I'm your son?"

"Uh-huh…would you like a donut?"

"Yeah, I'm starving."

"…I was only being polite."

"Hmm…Would you be able to send me southward in some sort of machine?"

"Hey, I would. I built a Sky Runner." Dr. Andonuts then explained what a Sky Runner was. "What do you need it for?"

Jeff explained, again.

"Ahh…Well, it's almost ready. You should rest for a while."

So Jeff slept in the bed upstairs. At 6am, he spoke to his dad.

"I'm ready to go."

"Okay. Hey, we should meet up again in another 10 years."

Jeff climbed into the Sky Runner.

"It's not working, dad!"

"Press the button on the controller!"

"Ah." Jeff pressed the button.

The Sky Runner flew southward and crashed in Threed. Jeff looked around. Ness and Paula were staring at him. After a LONG explanation, Jeff proudly showed Ness and Paula his bow and his boomblegum.

"Where in the name of Steak did you get those!" Ness yelled.

"I made it myself," replied Jeff.

"Enough of that!" interrupted Paula. "How will we get out?"

Jeff examined the locked door. He pressed a button on the nearby wall. Guess what? The door opened. Ness and Paula facepalmed themselves. The three heroes walked out into Threed. After an hour of wandering, they came across a strange tent, which attacked them.

"Woah! PK Rockin'! PK Rockin'!" yelled Ness. It had little effect. He kept trying PK Rockin', but to no avail.

"WHAT! This thing's indestructible!" he said.

Paula used PK Fire. The monster tent burned to ashes. Jeff facepalmed himself.

"Well, that was a fail," said Jeff.

"The PK Rockin' or the facepalm?" asked Paula.

"Both." replied Jeff.

Inside the tent was some Honey and heaps of blueprints for a factory.

Jeff suddenly had an idea. He covered the blueprints in honey and put them on the ground. When Ness asked what the hell he was doing, Jeff said:

"It's zombie paper. Zombies love honey."

They slept in a hotel, where Jeff built a mysterious laser…Ness and Paula both asked about it, but Jeff ignored them.

The next morning…

Ness and co. went out to inspect the zombie paper. It was covered with zombies. As they inspected the undead monsters, the zombies said various things.

"Life is short, death is long…" said a zombie. "For me, anyway," he/she added.

"CLICHÉ!" yelled Jeff.

"So?" asked Ness.

"The laser I made is called the Cliché Laser. It can destroy anyone who uses a cliché."

"Ah. But how did you know it does that?"

"Voice in my head. And I was inventing at random. Now…" Jeff fired the laser.

BOOOM! The zombie was destroyed.

"Like being nibbled to death by ducks…" said Paula, who hated ducks.

Jeff raised an eyebrow.

"Cliché?" she asked. Jeff nodded.

End of chapter…


	6. How do you get hot after cold zombies?

Chapter 6

A.N. I'll most likely only update on Saturday mornings now. _ "Soo… where do we go?" asked Ness.

"Well, there were those zombies guarding a hole over there…" said Paula.

They went to the unguarded hole.

"Woah, looks like there's more zombies in there." said Jeff. "I got an idea."

He took out a match and used it to burn the nearby trees.

"Shortcut," he said.

They followed the shortcut and eventually reached a strange village.

"Hi. We Mr. Saturn." said what was apparently, a Mr. Saturn.

"Ermmm…" Ness said.

"I am fortune teller. Take me with you."

"Why?" inquired Paula.

"I know where sanctuary is."

Ness decided taking a Mr. Saturn with them would be a good idea.

"First you free Mr Saturns from big smelly thing's factory."

"Big smelly thing?" asked Paula.

"Smelly thing called… Belch!"

"Okay…"

Near the Saturn Village was a waterfall. Jeff spotted a door in it. They went up to it.

"Belch ask for password. Password is #%$ ."

"You mean we have to say #%$ ?" yelled Paula.

"*burp* Say the password! *flatulence*," interrupted a voice.

"…#%$&," said Ness.

"The password is…*more flatulence* WRONG!"

"#%$ , not #%$&!" hissed Jeff.

"Oh! #%$ !"

"…You may *burp* enter!"

They enter. Once inside, Ness voiced a thought to Jeff.

"You know your cliché gun?"

"I MADE it, I think I know it."

"What a keey-shee gun?" asked the Mr. Saturn.

"Well… this whole "saving the world" adventure is a cliché…"

"Damn! Now you've done it!" Jeff threw his cliché gun away.

"RUUUUNN!" he yelled. They got outside JUST as the cliché gun exploded, and remember, the factory is filled with gas produced by Belch…

"PSI SHIELD!" screamed Paula.

BOOOOOOM! The factory exploded. Ness and co. were protected by the PSI Shield. A figure emerged from the debris.

"How *burp* dare you! I am Belch! Unless you have some delicious honey, I will have to destroy you!"

"#^%&, I used up all of the honey making traps!" yelled Jeff.

"Why don't you use the bloo…ball…gum?" That was Paula.

Jeff threw the boomblegum. Belch was blown apart.

"…no comment…"said Ness.

Nearby, there was a cave. Ness entered it.

"Heh heh heh! This sanctuary is mine… take it from me, if you DARE…I am TRILLIONAGE SPROUT!"

"PK Fire!" yelled Paula.

"That won't work!" yelled Trilllionage Sprout (T.S. for short).

"PK Thunder!" said Paula. It missed. T.S. KO'd Jeff with sharp leaves.

"PK Thunder!" said Paula, again. It missed. T.S. KO'd Ness the same way.

"PK Thunder!" said Paula, for yet a third time. It missed. T.S. KO'd the Mr. Saturn.

"PK Thunder!" said Paula, for the fourth time. It missed T.S.

"You will-AAAAUUUGH!" screamed T.S.

But he/she/it was cut off by a large, charred stalactite (or is it stalagmite?) landing on him/her/it. The PK Thunder had struck the rock and blown it off the ceiling (or floor?).

T.S. quickly died. Paula dragged the unconscious bodies to the milky well, where everyone was healed. Ness absorbed the melody into the sound stone. Jeff scooped up some of the milk from the milky well for later use.

"Need to recover in Saturn Valley," said the Mr. Saturn "Cannot come with you."

"Damn," said Ness.

"…Hey, Ness… wasn't there a sanctuary in Happy Happy Village?" asked Paula.

"Oh, [CENSORED]!" yelled Ness. "I forgot!"

The three quickly run back from Saturn Valley to Threed, from Threed to Twoson, from Twoson to H.H. Village. They enter the sanctuary and get to the boss, all in 10 minutes.

"I am Mondo Mole, and-" began Mondo Mole. But he was cut off by a well-aimed PK Freeze.

Ness ran to the Lilliput Steps, quickly absorbed the melody and ran back to Threed, with Paula and Jeff close behind.

"Hey, no more gloominess!" said Jeff.

"Where do we go now?" asked Ness.

"…Fourside…" replied Paula.

"Where's that?" said Jeff.

"That way!" Paula pointed to a tunnel.

They ran through a tunnel, until…

" $#%! ARRGH!" yelled Jeff, who was hit by a car. Ness quickly performed PSI Healing on him.

After that little incident, they reached a desert.

"Damn, traffic jam!" muttered Ness.

A man came down from the sky, and yes, it IS that photographer dude.

"Say FUZZY CACTI!" He took a photo and flew away.

"Random!" said Jeff.

"Did he just say cacti?" asked Paula.

Ness and co. walked into the Drug Store.

"Hello, would you like to buy a coin of slumber for $1500?"

"WAAAAY too expensive." replied Ness.

They bought what they could and Ness called his dad on the phone. Then, they explored the desert, defeating several of Giygas' minions along the way, until they reached a mine.

"Hey! Nice glasses!" said Jeff. He had found some glasses in the sand. He kept them.

They had a look around in the mine, left, and got to the other side of the road. There, they went to Fourside.

"There's the Topolla Theater! The Runaway Five MUST be playing there, so let's visit them! "said Ness.

They went in, paid for a ticket, and watched the Runaway Five play. After the show, they went backstage to talk to the Runaway Five.

"Oh, hey…" one of them said.

"We've been tricked again! Stupid contract!" yelled another band member.

"Can I have a look at it…?" asked Jeff.

"Sure."

"…...hmm…hey! There's a loophole!"

Jeff ran to the manager's office, Ness and Paula following him. Jeff explained the loophole to the manager, who yelled out a string of curse words which sounded like: "%#$% ^&%^*% ^% &^* #% ^$ ^&#%^%& %$%& #%!"

Then he admitted defeat and let the Runaway Five go. Ness and co. went to the bakery in hopes of getting a good meal. When they arrived, a man asked them if they had seen some glasses in the desert.

"#%& ! I left them at the mine!" said Jeff.

So they went ALLLLL the way back to the mine, where they were given ANOTHER sidequest to do.

"Hey, it's you kids again! The mine is infested with monsters and I know you could beat them up…I'll give you some glasses I found, plus you get to keep all the gems you find."

They had no choice, so they went into a mine.

"Who are you?" said a stone statue of a…penguin?

"Errr… we're here to destroy you!" said Paula.

"Well, being the third best out of all my brothers, I'll beat you up easy!"

"Brothers?" interrupted Jeff.

The penguin was already charging at them. Ness destroyed it with PK Rockin'.

After 10 hours…

"This is the TENTH TIME we've seen that rock formation!" yelled Paula in frustration.

"We still have one penguin to find," said Ness.

After another 14 hours, they FINALLY defeated the last penguin, collecting a lot of treasure along the way. The man gave them the glasses once they were done and they gave them back to the man at the bakery, who gave them 3 baguettes. Ness, Paula and Jeff ate one each. They sighed. It was a long day.


	7. Extreme hot, normal and then peculiar

Chapter 7

"Hmmm…" thought Ness as he counted the treasure they obtained from the mine. Paula was sitting next to him, admiring a rather large sapphire.

"Done the list!" he said suddenly.

"Show us," said Jeff.

Ness read out, "12 Sapphires, 14 Emeralds, 23 pieces of silver, 9 diamonds, 5 nuggets of gold and-"

"A partridge in a pear tree?" asked Jeff.

Ness gave him a "that's not funny" look. Paula held back a grin.

"And a giant ruby," finished Ness.

"So, that should sell for…" began Jeff.

"Yes?" asked Paula.

"…$5,115,000!" finished Jeff. Paula fainted.

They went to Fourside to sell the gems. Jeff had actually miscalculated the decimal point and so the actual selling price was $51,150.00. The jeweller actually bought the gems for $48,360.

"So… that's…$16,120 each, and-" began Jeff, using his giant IQ of 160.

"Whooo! SHOPPING SPREE!" screamed Paula and she ran into the department store, Ness and Jeff hurriedly chasing her. Paula spent almost $40 per second and the boys were chasing her for 6 minutes. You do the math, she blew $14,400 in 6 minutes. (Is that even possible?)

At a store named: "Billy's Brilliant Beautiful Bits 'n' Bobs", Jeff bought 3 metres of nylon string; half for Paula and half for his bow, Paula was tied up with the string and Ness (accidentally) bought a bat that was used by Donald Bradman. When he complained to the shop keeper that it was a cricket bat, the shop keeper said,

"Deal with it. $3,700, please,"

"Whaa…?"

"$3,700, now!"

Ness forked over the dough.

"Good, now get outta here."

They left.

After 10 minutes…

" %$#! We forgot Paula!" said Ness suddenly.

"She's still tied up?" yelled Jeff.

They went back, but Paula disappeared…Ness and Jeff decided to go get some food. They arrived at a Bakery.

"I want a pie," said Ness.

"Okay sir, that'll be $3..

"What the-"

"$3.15, please,"

Ness paid.

"Pi for a pie," said Jeff. "I'll have a…Piewich…? Would that be-"

"It's a pie sandwich," confirmed the shop-keeper.

"I'll have one then," said Jeff.

"What do you want in it?"

"Ham and carrots," said Jeff, looking at the menu.

Ness, halfway through his pie, raised an eyebrow at this unusual choice.

"Vitamin A. For eyesight." explained Jeff.

"$6., please,"

"Ummm…right…"Jeff handed over $6.30.

He ate the piewich with Ness. After they finished, there was a mysterious blackout. A voice rang from the intercom.

"Ness, Ness…come to the manager's office please…that's Ness to the manager's office…I have Paula…"

Ness and Jeff were confused, but they still ran to the manager's office in the dark. In front of the door, they were ambushed by a cup of coffee, a record, and a guitar. Jeff, with extreme willpower, drank the scalding cup of coffee. He immediately got out a water bottle and downed the whole 600mL thing in 10 seconds flat. Ness broke the guitar's strings, sending it crying for its mum and they stuffed the record in a phonograph. When they entered the office, they confronted a mook.

"Oh, you…" said the mook.

"Where's Paula!" shouted Ness.

"She's not here anymore…now prepare to be beat up!"

"Paralysis!" screamed Ness. The mook was paralysed.

"Nah, nah nah NAH NAH!" taunted Jeff. The mook glared at him.

"Oh, if only looks could kill…" laughed Jeff.

"They can," said the mook.

Jeff barely had time to say "Huh?" before he was turned into a giant diamond. Ness defeated the mook with a very well timed PK Flash.

"Curses…Don't go to heaven…Go-to-GAAARK!" began the mook.

"Gark? Is that a nice place?" said Ness.

He looked at Jeff, then went to his bag and pulled out his laptop.

"Let's see…we'll start the bidding at $700." Ness figured if he couldn't cure Jeff by the end of the adventure, he could sell him. After he put Jeff up for auction, he tried to heal Jeff with Healing PSI. After a few hours, it worked. Jeff was back to normal. Ness tried to shut the computer down, but Jeff saw the auction (which incidentally was at $3,141,592.65) and turned a piercing glare on Ness, who cringed.

The Department Store turned back to normal. It was 9 pm, so they booked a hotel room and jumped on the couch.

"Colour fight?" asked Ness.

"Sure," replied Jeff.

"I'll go first," said Ness. "Blue."

"Yellow."

"Orange."

"Green."

"Red."

"Umm…Purple!"

"Grey."

"Erm…Vermillion!" yelled Jeff.

"Grey."

"What gives? You said grey twice!" argued Jeff.

"There are fifty shades of grey," replied Ness with a smirk on his face.

"But-" began Jeff.

"Too bad! White!"

"White's not a colour, it's a shade! Like I was saying before, shades aren't allowed!" said Jeff.

"Aww, #$%!" said Ness.

"SHUT UP IN THERE!" came a voice from the other room. Ness and Jeff exchanged horrified looks.

They slept through the night.

The next day…

"Yaaawn," yawned Ness as he woke up.

"Ahhh…" sighed Jeff.

"What are we doing here anyway?" yelled Ness. "We have a girl to rescue!"

"But-"

"No buts!"

"Better cut yours off then…"

Ness and Jeff exited. Outside, they went into a café in hopes of scoring a discounted hot chocolate.

"Ahh…." they said after a large meal consisting of steak and chips.

"I need to go," said Ness.

"Me too," added Jeff.

They went to use the bathroom, but as soon as they opened the door, they were whisked away to a weird, mirror version of Fourside…

"Where are we…?" asked Ness.

"You're in Moonside."

"Whozair?" yelled Ness.

"Only me," said the man who had been right behind them. "I said, you're in Moonside. Mooooon siiiiiddddeee eddddiiiissnnnnooommm."

"OK…" said Jeff.

"You want me to leave? Fine, but remember this… No is Yes and Yes is No…"

"As I said, OK…"

"Fine!" He left.

"Ness, I'm booooorrrreeeddd," whined Jeff. "So bored…AHHH!"

Out of the blue, a roll of toilet paper attacked them. Ness blasted it to shreds with PK Flash and Jeff burned the remains.

"Oh, $% $!" yelled Ness. "A six-pack!"

6 rolls of toilet paper were now charging at them.

Jeff burnt it all to ash.

"What do we do now?" he said.

End of chapter…


	8. In his debt, again

Chapter 8

"I don't know…" replied Ness.

They wandered around and after a while they saw… the Mani-Mani statue!

"Hey, whoa, whoa! I'm not gonna let you pass unless you find my friend!" yelled a random person.

"Okay…what does he look like?" asked Jeff.

"He has a gold tooth, wears a red shirt and has a monobrow."

"Oh, okay." said Jeff.

"Monobrow…?!" asked Ness cautiously. He was scared of monobrows.

"And he's invisible." added the man.

"Invisible?!" yelled Ness. "That does it!" He knocked out the man with a swing of his (cricket) bat.

They went up to the Mani-Mani statue. Ness went to hit it and after about six hours of battling, the Mani-Mani statue disappeared.

"Ugh…" groaned Ness.

"It was an illusion…" said Jeff slowly.

"There's a voice in my head telling me to go to the Monotoli building," added Ness.

Suddenly a penguin appeared out of nowhere.

"EEEEEEEK!" yelled a penguin, screeching to a halt. Since the penguin was using telepathy, both Ness and Jeff could hear it.

"Come to…penguin caves…in desert…special delivery…will help you find…girl…" the penguin rushed off.

Normally Ness would've ignored this but, it was a penguin messenger this time and it might help him find Paula…Ness and Jeff went to the desert and after going through 14 water bottles, they found a secret entrance.

When they got inside, they found a HUGE sphere of stone blocking a doorway. There were some penguins nearby and Ness had an idea.

"Hey Jeff…if we chipped the stone into an eraser eraser shape, will we be able to erase the statue with that eraser eraser eraser?"

"We should be able to…"

Ness and Jeff asked all the penguins to help turn the stone into an eraser shape. The penguins agreed. The duo then wandered around the caves, finding penguins and enlisting their help to shape the stone.

They soon reached a small room with two treasure chests and an odd penguin.

"Can you help us-" began Ness.

"One of you, open the chests at the same time," said the penguin. "If you do, you will get a priceless treasure…if you don't…"

"Back to what I was saying…" interrupted Ness.

"Open the chests or I will not talk."

Jeff sighed. "I'll do it."

He tried to stretch out his arms to open the chest, but failed. He then tried to lie down on his belly and use his hands to open one and his feet to open the other. Just before Jeff went to open the chests, Ness quickly used telekinesis to open one just after Jeff failed to open that same chest. Luckily, Jeff opened the other chest successfully.

The opened chests emitted lights that intersected at one point. After the lights faded, there was a bag of powder there. The penguin, (who was standing directly behind the chest Jeff had actually opened) unaware of Ness' little ploy, gave Jeff a Flame Pendant.

"That bag contains powdered dragon scales…Sprinkle them on yourself and turn into a dragon…Now, you were saying?"

Ness explained.

"Oh, yes, I will help." The penguin rushed off.

Ness and Jeff explored the caves once more to find all the penguins. After they retraced their steps to come back to the start, the penguins had carved the stone into a crude eraser eraser shape. Ness used the E.E. Eraser and the block of stone disappeared. They went through.

Inside they found a(nother) penguin. This one had a 40 centimetre beard and gave the boys a 500g can of tuna, two tubs of pork yogurt, some fish oil water and after telling them that they would need all these items, he warped them out into Fourside in front of a skyscraper.

"Where…are we…?" asked Ness.

"Dunno," said Jeff. "But if the penguin warped us here, to the…Mono-to-li…Monotoli Building, it must be where we need to go."

"Excuse me!" said a woman, dressed as a maid. "Do you have any pork yogurt? I've been asking everyone! "

Jeff gave her a tub of pork yogurt.

"Oh, thanks! Master Pokey will be pleased! Come visit us on the 80th floor!"

"No prob-" began Ness. "Wait, POKEY?! That double dealing $^#^%$! Pokey?"

But the maid was already gone.

Ness and Jeff went up to the 49th floor in an elevator which had a girl that was paranoid of people looking at her. When Ness looked at her for only a sec, she called both of them perverts and refused to speak to them until they go to the 49th floor. From there, they went into another elevator to the 80th floor. They got out and stopped at a room no. 112358 labelled: Pokey's Maid, Electra. Ness decided not to stop at her room.

A (very heavily armed) robot came up to them.

"SAY-THE-PASSWORD."

"Would it be," said Ness, "Master-Pokey-ruler-of-all-things-on-Earth-and-in-the-universe?"

"PASSWORD….…" began the robot.

"Come on…"muttered Jeff.

"CORRECT."

"YES!" yelled Ness.

"HOWEVER-VOICE-DOES-NOT-MATCH. YOU-MUST-BE-TERMINATED."

"Uh-oh," said Ness.

" %^$," said Jeff.

"PK FLASH!"

"…BEEP."

"PK ROCKIN'!"

"…BEEP."

"…Off button?" said Jeff, pressing an off button.

"…ACTIVATE-HYPER-MODE."

"#% ^."

"Try pressing the button labelled "off"."

"…BEEP…BEEP…BE…E…E…P."

"It's off," said Jeff.

Ness and Jeff did this for every robot (all 314 of them) until a larger one smacked them both after they tried to press its off button.

They were fighting for 31 minutes when…

Suddenly, five people burst into the room! It was the Runaway Five!

After a very short time, the battle finished with the robot being smashed to bits. Jeff opened the door the robot was guarding to find…Paula! And some old man.

"Hiya Ness!"

"What happened!? Did he touch you!?" yelled Ness.

"Who, Monotoli? He was possessed by the Mani-Mani."

"Oh."

"You can use my chopper to go wherever it is you need to go next," offered Monotoli.

"Cool," said Jeff. But when the trio went outside… Pokey had stolen the chopper!

"Ness, you pin-headed idiot, you're just a second too slow!" yelled Pokey in triumph.

"Oh yeah? You've always been a pig-headed moron and you're always an hour behind!" shot back Ness. But Pokey didn't hear…

End of Chapter!


	9. In the big city

Chapter 9

"I know we've said this a lot but…" began Ness.

"Where do we go next?" finished Jeff.

"Threed," said Paula.

"Uh, let's teleport there!" said Ness.

"Teleport?" asked Paula.

Ness explained everything.

"Ohhhh…OK."

"PSI TELEPORT!"

They were whisked away to Threed.

….

CRASH!...

BANG!...

SLAM!...FWOOM!

"Ow, $%#, that hurts, all of the above," said Jeff.

He looked around for Paula and/or Ness. They weren't there.

"Guess they landed somewhere else…?" he said.

"Ow…"

"Huh? Is that you, Ness?"

"Behind…tree…"

Jeff looked behind the tree. Ness was there, but he looked…different.

"…IT BURNS!"

"You got burnt from teleportation?" asked Jeff.

"Yes. Let's go search for Paula."

"Was it friction?"

"How did you…Shut up."

"How did I know? I just do."

"You %#$ know-it-all."

Ness and Jeff looked all around for Paula, but they didn't find her until they searched the cemetery. Two guys and Paula were standing next to a repaired Sky Runner.

"These people repaired the Sky Runner…" said Paula. "We can use it to go to Dr. Andonuts' lab, and from there, we can use it to go to Summers, our next destination."

They did just that. When they got to Dr. Andonuts' lab, Jeff and his dad did some work on the Sky Runner. Meanwhile, Ness and Paula went for a stroll in the cave.

"Hey. Is that a sanctuary?!" yelled Paula.

"…It…is!" said Ness, walking closer.

"I am Shroom, with an exclamation mark, if you-"

"Save it, Shroom." said Ness.

"It's Shroom!"

"…That's what I said."

"No, Shroom! With an exclamation mark!"

"Like this?" interrupted Paula. "SHROOOOOOOOOOM!" Her scream blasted Shroom's eardrums (if he has them) and OHKO'd it.

Ness quickly ran up to the sanctuary and absorbed the melody. After this he and Paula went back to Dr. Andonut's lab and told Jeff what happened.

"Okay, I've re-calibrated the Sky Runner's navigation system for Summers and the supermicrobyteput chip was damaged so I replaced it with another one so that the antideacrometer doesn't get messed up," said Dr. Andonuts. Ness, Paula AND Jeff exchanged very puzzled looks.

"Did you make those two words up?" asked Jeff.

"*cough**cough*yesIdid*cough**cough*, how could you say that? You, of all people! Get going!"

So they did. On the flight…

"Want some in-flight snacks?" asked Jeff.

"Ooh, yes please!" said Paula.

"Umm…here! I call this Circle-Area Pie!"

"Why?" asked Ness.

"See for yourself." Jeff showed them. The pie had two R's on it."

"Huh?" said Paula.

"Oh, I see what you did there!" said Ness.

When they got to Summers the Sky Runner crashed on a beach.

"Owww…" moaned Jeff.

"I thought this WASN'T supposed to crash," accused Paula.

"No-one actually said that!"

"So this is Summers?" asked Ness, trying to stop the argument.

"Of course it is! Or do you think the Sky Runner is unreliable?" retorted Jeff.

"Let's go to the shop!" said Ness, trying again to break up the fight.

When they entered the supermarket, they saw huge-mongously awesome items (at huge-mongously high prices too). Ness looked at a shopping list that he and Jeff had made.

Shopping list

Value pack Lifenoodles ($9.50)

1 kg tomatoes ($4.50/kg)

1 bottle of shampoo ($8)

1L of Iced Tea ($5)

1 small pie ($3.1415926535897932384626433832 795)

After Ness, Jeff and Paula did the shopping, he'd blown $31.41 without going to the sports and fashion stores.

When he DID get to the sports and fashion stores, he spent another $120 on a very rare (baseball) bat and wasted $1,040 on a designer's ribbon for Paula. Oh, and $5,505 on some spare parts and a toy gun that Jeff modified (with the parts) to shoot lasers. Yeah.

So, after Paula confirmed that their next destination was Scaraba, a desert area 10,000km to the south, they all decided that they needed to get there ASAP, no dawdling. But Ness overheard a rumour about a prince with psychic powers. The rumour originated in the Story Club, a club in Summers formed by a group of people obsessed with legends. That was the first reason that they wanted to get into the exclusive club. The second was that there's a woman there who makes great Magic Cake and Paula wanted some. So Ness and co. needed to acquire a secret phone number. They asked everyone they could find but eventually they got to a man carrying a sign with "HINT" printed on it. Paula started talking.

"Hi, would you know the number to the Story Club?"

"Give me $75." Paula did just that.

"urm…(00) 0000 0000!"

"Who the %^ $ has a phone number like that?!" yelled Jeff.

"Dunno."

So the trio went to the hotel and used the phone.

"…Hello?"

"Hello sir. This is Bacon Express. Would you like the value pack, the quality pack, or the quantity pack?"

" ^$#. Wrong number."

They went back to the guy and Paula chewed him out.

"Okay, okay! Just…$25 more…"

Paula sighed and gave him the $25.

"03 1415 9265!"

Awkward silence.

"ARE-YOU-$#%!^$!(*(#&( -SERIOUS!?" shouted Jeff. "The first nine digits of pi!?"

So Ness decided to try the number out.

"…Hello, this is the Story Club. Would you like to make a reservation?"

"Yes."

"How many?"

"3."

"Names?"

"Ness, Paula and Jeff."

"…okay."

So Ness, Paula and Jeff went up to the Story Club and entered. A young woman greeted him. Ness asked where he could find Magic Cake.

"Oh, that's easy!" she replied. "I make it!"

Ness talked with Jeff and Paula. They all agreed to have the cake first.

After 10 minutes…

Ness, Jeff and Paula were having cake.

"I make this with whatever I have on me, and it always tastes the same," said the woman.

"Oh, this is so good…" remarked Paula. "I feel like…"

"Oh crap," said the woman. "I think I put cathartics in there."

Jeff replied first. "Isn't cathartics another way of saying…purgative medicine, or…laxatives?"

"Um…yep."

"… $%#."

The three all ran to the beach toilets, and luckily there are enough for all of them.

"Ahhhh…."

"Oh my GOD!"

*sigh*

"Jeez, why does she keep laxatives in her bag?" yelled Jeff.

Meanwhile, another boy had started his journey…


	10. The fourth hero

Chapter 10

A/N Double digits! Finally! 322 views so far. My aim is to have an average of 1,000 words per chapter and I plan to write at least 100 words per school day and 200 per non-school day. 9,670 words so far, so this chapter will be about 300 words. _

In Castle Dalaam…

"Prince Poo!"

"Unngh."

"Wake up!"

"Okay, okay."

"…your Mu training test is today…"

"WHAT!?"

Poo jumped out of bed.

"Today?!" he yelled.

"Yes," replied the servant.

Poo quickly ran outside, knocking over about 80 people who had come to see the king (Seem familiar? Chapter 1, hint, hint). He drank an almost empty bottle of water on the way. He went to the top of a hill. His teacher, an old man was there.

"Now, meditate," he said.

Poo climbed up to the top and started to meditate. After 30 seconds…

"Prince Poo! You're needed at the castle."

Poo did nothing. He knew it was a trick.

In Poo's mind…

"…I am the spirit of Mu….do you wish to complete your training?"

"…Yes…"

"Then let me take your legs…"

"…OK…"

RRIIPPP!

"Now that you have lost your legs, you will now lose your arms…"

"OK."

TEAR!

"Now, I will take your eyesight…"

"Fine with me."

"Now that you are blind, I will take your hearing."

"Yes…OK."

"Now, I will take your soul….Is this OK?"

"…Y…Yes."

"Then…you have passed…"

Back in the real world…

Poo got up.

"This was exhilarating. I gotta do this more often!" he thought.

He went back to the castle.

"Ah, Poo! You have passed!" said his dad. "Your PSI power has been enhanced!"

"Does that mean I get more abilities? I'm sick of Lifeup."

"Yeah, you got… PK Fire, Freeze, Thunder, PSI Teleport and PSI Healing."

"Cooool."

"Now, you must go to Summers. There, you will find two boys and a girl. You are to help him save the world."

"Yes, dad."

Poo teleported away with his backpack.

End of chapter…


	11. The monster of Davy Jones' Locker

Chapter 11

A.N. A few brands/products will be mentioned; I do not own any of them.

In Summers…

"Ohhh, I feel horrible!" moaned Jeff.

"Uungh," agreed Paula.

ZZZIP!

"Ahhhhh!" yelled everyone.

When the dust cleared, a fourth boy was standing there.

"Uhmmm…I'm Poo, and…I'm supposed to…go with you, to save the world…" said Poo.

"Awkward silence!" yelled Jeff.

"…Paula?" asked Ness.

"Yep."

"Just think of me as a friend you've never met before," said Poo.

"But if we've never met before, how would you be our friend?" asked Paula.

"You can't talk, Paula," said Ness and Jeff in unison.

"Where's our next destination?" asked Poo.

"Scaraba, to the south. We can get a lift from a man in the port."

They went to the east half of Summers and Ness went into the shop and told his dad what happened so far. When he'd finished and went outside, immediately came across a man willing to transport them for $31 each. Ness paid up and they set sail for Scaraba. While sailing,

Day 1, XX/XX/199X, 3pm

"Yaaaawn," yawned Ness.

"Wake up, son! I'm Captain McHertie, but you call me Hert for short!"

"Ummm…Hi, Hert."

"So, this'll be a long journey. And I should warn you, um…there's a…sea monster out here…"

"WHAT?!"

Ness began arguing with Hert and eventually told him about his journey.

"Mmm…OK."

Day 2

"Jeff! Where the hell are you?!"

"Paula?! Why do you want me?"

"My Game Boy is broken!"

"Oh, GOD! Do you expect me to be fixing this $^%?!"

"Ummm…yes."

"*sigh* This will take me, like a week to fix!"

Day 3

"Is my GB fixed yet?!"

"No."

Day 4

"Is my GB fixed yet?!"

"No."

Day 5

"Is my GB fixed yet?!"

"NO."

Day 6

"Is my GB fixed yet?!"

"NO!"

Day 7

"Is my GB fixed yet?!"

"Shut up, you %*&%!."

"Jeff! What did you say to Paula?!"

"Er, nothing, Ness!"

Day 8

"Is my GB fixed yet?!"

"Yes, now take it and LEAVE!"

Day 9

Paula is sitting on a chair playing a Game Boy game.

"Come on, come on! …YES! I beat Level 95!"

"Whatcha doin', Paula?"

"The hell is that?" asked Poo, who had come out of his room.

"Ness? Oh, I'm-"

"Is that the new Tetris game?"

"Yep!"

"I see…What the %$^?! Level 95?! All the kids at school can't get past Level 87! I only got to 65!"

"Oh, I get it!" said Poo. "I got Level 90 on that."

"Oh, um…"

"Hey Ness, Paula."

"Hey Jeff. Get this, Paula got to Level 95 on Tetris!"

"So? I got to 196."

"…What's the record?"

"Um…204. 301 if you include the developer's scores."

"Woah. Well what about that Super Pie Brothers game?"

"Um…that one. My score? 1,427,285."

"Hm. I got 1,003,987."

"What did you get, Paula?" asked Ness.

"Oh, 968,485. What about the kids at your school?"

"About a million. Poo?"

"Haven't played it before."

"…You suck, Paula. How did you get 95 on tetris?"

"You haven't been CHEATING, have you?" asked Jeff.

"Umm…well…yes."

"Then what was your score without cheating?" said Ness.

"Level 97."

"…the $^$ ?"

Ness, Jeff, Paula and Poo compared the various high scores they got in the games. Jeff usually had the highest score, except for a few vision-based games where he was around the same as Ness.

Day 10

"Ness! How do you get past this level?" asked Paula.

"Erm, I never got to that."

"That level?" said Jeff. "Oh, you have to move this block there, and then press this switch…then you jump here and bounce off the trampoline and you press the block and then you're done!"

"Yes!"

Day 11

"You got one, Paula?" asked Jeff.

"Um, a few trout and some cod."

"What about you, Ness?"

"Some mackerel, a flounder and some trout. What about you?"

"Me? I have…a sea bass, some cod and heaps of sardines."

"What a variety." commented Poo. "All I got is a few cod."

Day 12

"AHHH!"

"What, Ness?"

"A kraken!"

" $%^! Where!"

"OVER…THERE!"

"^$% ...PK FIRE!"

"Hello, we're surrounded by water!"

"Hey, Poo. Got any good PSI Powsers?"

"Um…if you call Brainshock good."

"Ummm…Well, use it!"

"OK…BRAINSHOCK!"

Nothing happened.

"well, PK…PK…PK…"

"Hurry up Poo."

"PK…Something."

Suddenly, boom!

A shower of stars fell on the kraken, killing it and roasting it.

"Er, wow Poo," said Paula.

End of chapter!


	12. Into the Cave of Deathly Kisses

Chapter 12

A.N. It's a busy time for me and I need to do school work for next term. Expect long delays. Oh, and check the other chapters when you've read all of this, I HAVE changed them…

"Land ho!"

"We're there! Yay!"

Ness and friends got off at Scaraba. The first thing anyone said was:

"I'm homesick." (Poo).

"…"

"Well, we have teleport, right?" Poo teleported everyone to Dalaam.

At Dalaam, after Poo finished his little meeting…

"Poo, what're those bunny statues?" asked Ness.

"Those? They apparently guard a great sanctuary…"

"WHAT?!"

"Huh? OH! You're looking for those sanctuaries, right?"

"Duh!" cut in Jeff.

"Well those statues won't budge. There's supposed to be a key in a place called Sorefide."

"Fourside?" asked Paula.

"Yeah!"

"Let's go!" yelled Ness. They teleported.

After 4 hours in Fourside…

"I found it!" yelled Ness.

"We know," replied Jeff. "Now why is it behind a 10-metre electric fence?"

"Look! A manhole!" yelled Poo.

"The sewers?! The only entrance to there is from the Museum." Ness turned around just in time to see Paula disappear over the top of a hill.

"Do you even know where it IS?!"

When Ness and co. caught Paula and entered the museum, they paid $314 (each, I know, right?) and entered. Whaddya know, a man having a conversation with someone from the Summers museum was blocking the way. He took hours. Everyone agreed that it was best to knock out the guy he was talking to. They teleported to Summers, TKO'd the guy there, went back to Fourside, paid ANOTHER $1256 and TKO'd the guy who was talking on the phone.

"Wait, why didn't we do that earlier?" asked Paula.

"Dunno," replied Ness, who did most of the bashing.

In the sewers…

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" squealed Paula. "Rats!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" squealed Paula. "Roaches!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" squealed Paula. "Slimy trash cans!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" squealed Jeff. "SHUT UP!"

Yeah…let's see… 4 hours later…

Suddenly, a GIANT RAT attacked them!

The four owned the sanctuary boss with a combination of PK Freeze, PK Fire and some mouldy cheese.

Ness absorbed the melody and when he woke up from the ensuing trance, he found a golden carrot in his hand. He had an idea.

"Let's go visit those bunny statues."

They teleported to Dalaam and Ness was assaulted by 3 bunnies. The bunnies took the carrot and left, saying:

"We be free!"

So when Ness and co. decided to explore the cave, they were ALL assaulted by a French Kiss of Death. It went for Paula first. The cave system was complex and it took our heroines 3 hours to lose the kiss.

"Oh god that was scary." exclaimed Paula.

They then found a rock candy and fell down a hole. They fell through 2 spirits, who introduced themselves as Thunder and Storm. After the usual gabble, they got into battle.

"PK Thunder!" yelled Paula. It hit 4 times. But it only energized the spirits, who shot a PK Flash at her. Paula started crying.

"She looks like she's watching a soapie," commented Jeff*.

(* soap opera)

"Well if we can't use Thunder then we'll use seizure inducing lights. PK Flash!"

Nothing happened…

"Crap, we're screwed."

I know this chapter's short and you've been waiting long, but school starts and you get a lot of work.


	13. The journey to great treasure

Chapter 13

A.N. I've decided to keep the chapters shorter. About 500 words max. so you don't bore to death waiting for the next chapter.

Ness awoke outside the cave…Dalaam was deserted…

"Helloooo?!" he yelled.

"Don't!" hissed a voice. "You'll anger the gods!"

"Poo?"

"Yes it's me! Quick, into the hole!

He went inside.

There he found Paula and Jeff.

They started to catch up. Dalaam had been taken over by Thunder and Storm. Seems the bunnies were protectors of Dalaam. Ness and friends quickly formulated a plan that involved using TNT and/or dynamite to blast the cave.

A stick of dynamite:

/IIIIII\  
|IIIIII|  
|.TNT|  
|IIIIII|  
|IIIIII|  
\IIIIII/

"Okay everyone, say count to ten or say disestablishmentarianism!" yelled Jeff

"Dis…es…tab…lish…men…tar…i…an…is…m!"

BOOM.

The cave exploded, Thunder and Storm died and Pink Cloud was revealed. Ness went over to it and with a huge jump that would've put an Olympic high jump athlete to shame, he fell on Pink Cloud. However Ness forgot one thing. Pink Cloud is a cloud. And clouds, they aren't really solid.

Dalaam and Pink Cloud are here.

/\

| 80 km

\/

Sea level is here. Unfortunately this is occupied by solid land.

BUT, Pink Cloud is a MAGIC cloud. And magic clouds are solid. Ness landed safely, absorbed the melody, and jumped back. They teleported back to Scaraba after receiving a strange gift from the villagers.

"What is it?" asked Ness.

"A strange pendant from ancient times. We don't know much about it, but is it said to have protective powers."

"Oh, OK…well, bye!"

They teleported to Scaraba and decided to get some money to buy stuff. Ness was all out of money. They got a job at the police station bringing in criminal mastermind caterpillars.

They got $50 each. $50 each from each caterpillar, that is. So after $1,000 Ness and Paula found a very, very, very large pyramid. As Ness approached it, the pendant glowed and the door opened. They went in, of course. Inside they found…treasure!

End of chapter.


	14. Troubling (but) Terrific Tender Tendas

Chapter 14

-NEW EARTHBOUND STORY-  
I have plans for another EB related story, one about Ness' years at school. I will most likely start that after this one, or near the end (or not at all).  
-NEW EARTHBOUND STORY-

"Treeeaaaassssuuuurrrreeeee," said Ness.

"Weeee," yelled Jeff, who was jumping into it.

Poo was staring at the wall.

"Er, what's wrong?" asked Paula.

"Ummmm….."

"Well?"

"Uh, I think my dad is sick."

"How do you know?"

"Psychic powers."

"Oh."

"Well I have to go back to him and do PSI Healing for a while."

Ness and Jeff were watching them. Poo used PSI Teleport to go to Dalaam.

"Oh great," said Ness. "Looks like I have to do all Healing and Lifeup now. Well what are you waiting for?! Go get some treasure!"

They each pocketed some rubies, diamonds and a rather large emerald Ness found but gave it to Paula. Jeff saw a stone eye poking out. He took it for further examination. After all, it was the only artefact in the pile and he could make billions by selling it to the museum.

Suddenly an orb with the Ω (Omega) symbol hit everyone on the head and a huge green flash occurred.

"That's odd," thought Paula. "I feel like my PK Fire is more powerful than ever."

"That's odd," said Ness. "I feel like my PK Flash is more powerful than ever."

"That's odd," said Jeff. "I feel like my head hurts more than ever."

"Well let's get OUT of this pyramid," said Ness.

They did, with no interesting events occurring. But after, they found a statue that was apparently made to worship a giant. Suddenly the "statue" talked. It was none other than Dungeon Man. Jeff quickly explained (a lot of that, isn't there?) to the others about Dungeon Man.

"Dr. Andonuts filled me in," said Dungeon Man. "He says you need to get to the swamp. Here, take this submarine I made." He tossed a crudely made submarine at them.

They used the submarine to get to the swamp, but everything was dark. Jeff had an idea. He pulled out a flashlight.

They navigated their way to a helicopter. Ness frowned. Pokey had been here. They navigated their way (again) to a Pile of Puke. It was none other than Master Belch. However, they were standing in a swamp, and Belch disintegrated into the mud without saying anything. Ness got a Casey bat.

After long painful hours, they reached a cave with little green blobs inside them. The little green blob referred to themselves as tendas. They were all shy except for one, who was pretty talkative. He said that they all needed a book, "Overcoming Shyness" to overcome their shyness. Ness conveniently had the book, so he gave it and after reading, they all espresso (I could sure go for one) expressed they're there their gratitude. One of them showed Ness and friends to a cave, where it was rumored a great sanctuary was housed there…

End of chapter


End file.
